With some of the stuff going on with the male, my lawyer recommended a protection order. Setting that up burned through WAY too much of the $5000 retainer, and now I have to call and put more money in. Yuck.

To my complete lack of surprise, the male lasted six whole days in rehab and then checked himself out, claiming that he had defeated alcoholism. *sigh* I havent spoken to him since he was served with the divorce paperwork and the protection order, and I have to go back to court this Thursday to review the protection order.

I just wonder if he's even looked at the paperwork and knows to come.

Regardless, I've been working to continue cutting costs. Here's a few frugal things I've done in the past week or so:

- set up our own netflix account for 7.99 instead of 8.99. Not a lot, but hey.

- snagged a copy of the school supply list from the website and have gone through last year's supplies to reuse what we can

- packed our lunch to take to the science museum instead of buying food there

- started to cancel my audible membership but was diverted with a $20 credit. As soon as I spend that, I'll cancel.

- used the food processor to chop up a giant zucchini to make muffins and froze the unused bits

- applied and interviewed for guest teaching in my district this year, as full time work still feels wildly overwhelming

After the hell that was this past week, I've decided to go forward with the divorce. I was hoping, I really was, but he still doesnt even understand the full mess that he is in.

He called me Thursday night from the emergency room. He'd be picked up where he was "sleeping it off" in hais truck. I have no idea if he pulled over to drink, or if he was drinking and thought driving would be a super swell idea.

That was upsetting enough, as he had just hit a full 60 days sober, but he called again at 5am on Friday, asking for me to come and pick him up.

If I had been more awake, I probably would have told him no and had him call an AA buddy. But I didn't.

Instead, I put our eight year old in the car and drove 40 minutes to go pick up his still drunk daddy from the hospital.

When I picked him up, the nurse said his BAC was currently .16. When the ambulance had brought him in, his BAC was .435.

Just to clarify, legal blood alcohol content level is .08. At .36, you have the same level as sedation for surgery. At .4, you're at high risk of death.

I can't live like this. I can't be dreading every phone call.

So, divorce it is. I've already spoken to a lawyer and I can do a little of the paperwork myself. However, because it does involve me wanting the courts to monitor B's visits with the Dark Lordling, as well as insist on breathalyzers before seeing him, a lawyer is necessary to make sure I don't screw something up horribly.

And the lawyer needs a $5000 retainer.

One of the side effects of Brandus moving out is that I've finally admitted we won't be having any other kids. We tried for several years, then put everything on hold starting last year when he first started really struggling with alcoholism.

Which means I am finally clearing out my favorite cloth diapers that I saved from when Voldemort was a baby. They're really cute and super soft and I love them, but they make me sad, and I would rather they go to a kiddo who needs them.

I've sold four so far for a grand total of $35, and have several more listed, so hopefully the rest will go soon as well.

As it's summer coming up, my time to proofread has increased as well. Currently, I'm proofing an anthology ($15 each story), a second proofing on a novel ($30), and a novella ($30). I've also yet to invoice on second proofs for two novels ($60). It doesn't leave me rolling in dough or anything, but it definitely helps over the summer when I'm trying to bank as much of my teaching paycheck as I can.

Voldemort does still go to childcare over the summer - not full time, just two days a week - because I have to pay to keep his spot open anyway, so why not make sure he gets to spend time with other kids and I get to spend time NOT dealing with the eight billion questions a day he likes to ask.

We're getting there.

The past two weekends have been pretty good low cost weekends.

Last weekend, Voldemort and I met up with a friend of mine and her kiddo, Voldemort II (they have the same name - it's pretty hilarious), and we went to Big Time Trampoline, which is a big warehouse type place with trampolines, a foam pit, and a maze.

I had won passes to there during the Rocky Mountain Early Childhood Conference a month or so ago, and when my friend mentioned that she wanted to go and take the boys, I handed over one of the passes, and so both boys got in free!

We spent a few quarters on arcade games and claw games, but overall, it just cost us the gas to get there.

This weekend, I met up with the same friend to take the kids to the zoo this time around. We used to be members, but our membership has lapsed, but we still had two passes to get in and one free ticket for the train or the carousel.

Voldemort and I packed our lunch, but we bought chips and drinks inside the zoo to fill them out a little, as we had sandwiches and an orange each, and that much walking makes you hungry!

The boys were far more interested in using the map to navigate than they were in seeing the animals, but we had a blast.

And then last night, for a special treat, Voldemort got a Happy Meal with a free coupon I had gotten a while ago. I had pasta salad made at home, as McDonalds tends to give me stomach aches.

Overall, not too much out of pocket. And it's awesome having a friend to hang out with while the boys run wild. VII is 5, while V is 8, but they don't seem to mind too much. And my friend is a single parent, so having someone to bounce thoughts and frustrations off of while I'm solo parenting is really helpful.

The husband and I are still separated, and he swings back and forth between understanding and totally ass. He's managed to find a long term stay hotel, which is still pricey, but not as bad as a hotel room every night.

It feels like we're moving closer to divorce, instead of moving towards healing.

He's cancelled cable entirely - he kept wifi, which is what I mostly use. I don't really watch tv.

He cancelled the local dairy delivery.

He's cancelled the weekly cleaners.

All of these are things that impact me more than him, as he's not at the house, but they are all things I've okay'd for him to do.

And I have to admit that those things together are a good size chunk of money that will no longer be outgoing.

But it's still weird and hard. I've noticed that we turn the lights off when we leave, and the heater/ac stays at the level I put it before bed.

The bed stays made. The dishes get done.

But I also make the kid's lunch and get him to and from school. I check all the homework, deal with all of the whining, do all of the laundry.

I feel off balance. I'm still looking for my new normal.

Couples counseling last night was hard. I told Brandus that I needed to see him complete either an inpatient or intensive outpatient program before coming home. He was upset and even with the counselor helping facilitate the discussion, it was still hard and he was angry and I was crying.

But I feel ok.

He did text this morning and apologized for how he acted, and I told him I still want us to go see Annie as a family, as we got tickets a while ago, and I think it would be a low stress way to spend time together. I'm not backing down on what I need to see from him, and I have an individual appointment with the therapist next week, and another couples in two weeks.

So, another month, at least, of solo parenting, depending on how long it takes him to follow through on completing a program.

I had told him I want to spend time with him, and I want Voldemort to spend time with him, but with him being so incredibly out of it the other day I don't feel safe with them just being left alone, and I sure as HELL don't feel safe with him driving the Dark Lord around.

So I'm trying to figure out how to juggle family prior plans and the Dark Lord's schedule and still have time to take care of myself, which is all very complicated.

I forgot to pack Voldemort's lunch last night, and we were rushing around this morning to get to work on time for professional development, so he had to buy lunch today. He has the money in his account, but I try to pack his lunch most days.

I did pack my lunch last night, as we had